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|Friday, February 11th, 2011|
I decided to sit down last night and write some starting points for bits. I am new to this, and I dont know if this type of stuff works on stage. Its a bit dirty and it does not really have any punch lines. I figure you guys are way more tapped into what works than my friends. Anyway, thanks for reading and any feedback would be appreciated. Please be fucking brutal about it, if its flat out not funny let me know.
Lingerie football.... I disagree with the mixing of sex and football. Football is pure, I cant even watch high school football because those puberty infested fucks cant even pick up the blind side mic in a base 4-3 tampa 2. Now we want to give a pig skin to a team of plastic tits with eating disorders? Id rather watch a black market abortion, and not some fancy American black market abortion ether, Im talking about the russian verity, rusty weir coat hanger and a kick to the stomach type shit....
Once your full food looses all appeal. The mere sight is repulsive. Well thats how a man looks at a vagina after his orgasm. Whether its an Ipeg pussy, real live action vagina, or a finger painting of a purple twat, It dont matter, he wants nothing to do with your lady parts. After a man has discarded his seed your vagina looks like a poisonous sea creature. The good news is that your vagina only looks like a half doctored WW2 bayonet wound for about 10-120 minuets, it all depends on how hot you are.....
Gandhi said "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"..... Well Gandhi is a piece of shit racist! A blind world equals no racism. Martin Luther King had a dream, and apparently Gandhi wants to shit on that dream.....
|Wednesday, September 12th, 2007|
new to livejournal....
i just started a blog called the blog?, check it out if you have the time.
here's a sample:
|Thursday, August 16th, 2007|
I'm a new stand up act from England and I'm also new to the Live Journal so add me as a friend if you want cos I'm not really sure how this thing works.
|Friday, March 30th, 2007|
Tim Mitchell -- The Blearghs
You don't remember me. That's cool. Few in comedy do.
At any rate, I've been out of comedy for a few years, and am blogging my reentry as it happens.
Enjoy the pain and schadenfreude at www.graphicacts.com
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you an imprtant message...
America waits in awe as the most beloved and respected comedic parformer of our time, Patrick Ryan aka 'P-Bau', slowly steps up to the podium to deliver what may well be the most highly anticipated press conference of all time...
"Don't be an asshole, America! Vote Green!"
The astonished crowd begins to mumble amongst itself. Their disbelief of an endorsement of a *gasp* third party has left them confused...
Okay, okay. I have one thing to say about all this. The Green Party is the only party, in my state, who can seem to produce a candidate who refers to homosexuals as the human beings that they are. Now, if the government thinks they can get away with stripping people of basic rights, such as, marrying the person you love, what rights will they strip away next? I might not be gay but I'm smart enough to know that their rights are intertwined with my own. If they're not safe, I'm not safe. Is this the biggest issue on the board? You betcha! I welcome your fucking feedback.
Also, here's a filthy new joke!
"If you're an overweight woman who's worried about your ability to attract a mate, just start listening to rap music."
Heh heh. Dumb humor fun.
|Sunday, October 15th, 2006|
i'm trying to book shows in the Milwaukee area but I live in Minneapolis. I'm having a tough time tracking down who books some of the clubs down there. If anyone can tell me who to send my promo to at the various clubs in Milwaukee, that would be great. Thanks!
|Tuesday, September 26th, 2006|
Nema WIlliams on Club Comic View
This new guy has really got it goin on! Nema Wiliams steps into the Club Comic View spotlight and cracks us up with his fun, fast-hitting comedy. He let's sister's know he's no different from a black guy, laughs about being scared of the projects, and even discovers his hidden talent for rap. Click Here to Bust Your Gut!
|Saturday, September 23rd, 2006|
Kat WIlliams talks Jokes
In The Roll Out #11, Kat williams exposes what's behind his gut-busting jokes.
Also, Toccara talks fashion trends with the stars, Mya is back with the scoop on her new album, Ruben chats about his climb back to the top, and Kim O dishes the dirt on Mary J Blige and Whitney Houston. Check it Out!
|Wednesday, September 13th, 2006|
|Saturday, August 26th, 2006|
More headlines from the 144 Ideas news crew. (Chris Maddock, Tommy Ryman, Wayne Burfiend, Matt Sandvik, and yours truly, Patrick Ryan.)
"Jacob Wetterling found...in the hearts of millions."
"Woman dissapointed when her date's april flowers bring golden showers."
"Kool-Aid Man's ironic last words: Oh, no!"
"Small kitten mistakenly believes caged gorilla to be it's mother...idiot."
"In an effort to be more politically correct, Disney has changed the name of beloved children's character Tigger to Tigro."
"Blowjob ends in awkward kiss."
"Country singer, Keith Urban, has Joined the Muslim faith and has changed his name to Keith Turban."
"Beloved children's character, Tigro (Formerly Tigger) has also joined the Muslim faith and will now be known as Sand Tigger."
|Tuesday, July 25th, 2006|
Hi fellow stand-up lovers - I'm new to LiveJournal but I'm making the most of it - using it to learn more and share what I know about comedy. At the moment I host a comedy podcast that originates in Sydney, Australia, called Radio Ha Ha
. Episode 34 has just been made available for download, so if you want to know more about the episode or the show, or want to listen, please read on.( Read more...Collapse )
|Saturday, July 22nd, 2006|
if anyone's interested, there are some new clips of Club Comic View stand-up comedy on BET OnBlast.
It's pretty good stuff.
|Sunday, July 16th, 2006|
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
Some shit from an unpublished zine my friend was supposed to publish...
Health and Fitness Type-Shit
By Patrick Ryan Bauer
"U.S. vs. Them"
Trypanosomiasis, the malady known as “sleeping sickness”, has been brutally plaguing much of the continent of Africa. Treatment for the sickness currently consists of a mostly non lethal dose of arsenic mixed with anti-freeze. Top scientists say that should this epidemic reach the U.K., the U.S., or any other predominantly Caucasian country, with the exception of Ireland, a real, more scientific, cure will be found.
"And Speaking of Black Death…"
"Bad Habits Die Hard"
Good news for anyone who has tried to quit smoking. A new anti smoking apparatus has been developed with test subjects reporting a 100% rate of success.
The makers of the device, Smith & Wesson, have been delighted with initial sales figures of the device. A spokesperson for the device said “Considering that one unit can cure multiple smokers, we’re surprised at the initial sales figures.”
The device has a loading chamber wherein the actual cure is placed. The cure then travels through a long metal tube, presumably shaped as such to simulate a cigar, or cigarette, into the mouth of the recipient, ceasing any and all cravings for nicotine.
“It feels good to help people.” The spokesperson said.
The only side effect reported has been a slight difficulty removing the device from the recipients cold, dead, hands.
"You Mean That Stuff That Fish Live In?"
Water has been found to be the most effective means of combating the common cold, along with certain types of fruit. This has led to a press release by Wyeth, makers of the cold remedy Robitussin, to issue a press release.
“Balderdash!” said the press release. “Does water simply mask your symptoms long enough for you to go to work and breathe your sickness on everyone?” They went on to comment on how Strawberry Robitussin was “kinda like” water and fruit. They also noted their commitment to the community by noting that imbuing their medicine with both narcotics and alcohol allows teens to get high without purchasing harmful street drugs, some of which, ironically, have been impregnated with Robitussin.
"You Think You Know Everything..."
Self proclaimed “science-ists” from a small town in Mississippi have announced that homosexuality, despite being proven by halfway educated people to be perfectly natural, is a disease for which the only cure is a lifetime of cruel taunts, belittlement, and fear. The final stage of treatment apparently consists of the patient being chased, on foot, by a chevy truck filled with drunken, shit-kicking hillbillies throwing rocks until the patient is struck, felled, and then beaten to death while begging for mercy.
|Friday, June 30th, 2006|
I love posting my most unfunny, raunchiest, and downright mean jokes. Here's another one!
I'd like penis reduction surgery named after me. All my friends would say "So, um, you had, like, a giant wang?" And I'd say "No, I just like really young girls."
|Wednesday, June 14th, 2006|
Hey guys! I just moved back to LA after a few years away at school, and I was wondering if any of you could recommend any open mics in the area (or any methods of discovering worthy open mics, since google isn't cutting it for me right now). I'm dying to tell some jokes down here!
|Tuesday, May 30th, 2006|
|Monday, May 8th, 2006|
Hello, my name is Jeannie. I'm a stand-up comic out of New York, currently banished to Florida.
At the incessant nagging of an artist friend of mine, I joined livejournal recently--and although I REALLY like the forum, I'm looking forward to linking up with...well, funnier people...than...them.
Most of the jobs I get are for my political material (except in Florida--where a wig, a gun, or a tampon is what'll have 'em rollin' in the aisles) and I'm dying to link up with anyone/ get feedback from/ and or friend everyone who enjoys political satire, especially as a means of social revolution.
My current post, about Stephen Colbert's recent White House Correspondents VICTORY, seems to have fallen on deaf ears within the kink community...
not that I don't love kink. (Who doesn't?--It's like pie.)
Usually, the featured comic for this event is someone like the soul-less Jay Leno, who plays it so safe at these things his chin is equipped with a passenger side air-bag. Or Dana Carvey doing his shticky Super Tuuuuurtle man guy, or that Republican Blow-Hard Drew Carrey pretending to be funny without a green-screen.
Not so, oh...GLORY BE! NOT SO THIS YEAR!
I'm not gonna post the link, cuz you don't need me to. it's the most down-loaded clip--blah, blah, blah--just Google STEPHEN COLBERT and WHITE HOUSE CORROSPOND--oh screw it! I may as well just post the damn link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN0INDOkFuo&search=Colbert%20CSPAN%20roast%20colbert%20cspan%20AP%20ap
...isn't that a little long for a link?...
oh well, just find it, watch it, rejoice...my Brothers, my Sisters. (Part 1 and 2 are the best, skip part 3 if you're short on time).
I would love to hear what you guys think!~
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
Less filth, more offensive.
This joke needs a little something something. I'm trying to figure it out because I love the idea A LOT. It's an anti-racism joke disguised as a racist joke. Awesome.
"I think that Affirmative Action is a lot like the death penalty in the sense that you can never tell who's there just because they're black.
Well, either way you look at it I guess it's a promotion."
|Friday, April 14th, 2006|
In response to the questions I received on my last post, I just thought I'd post this picture:
The denim things the guy is wearing are called "dungarees" in the UK. What do you call them in the US? Current Mood: curious